I saw God Once When I Was Little

I'm sure a lot of people have given up on me ever returning to this journal or ever writing again. The truth is, I just haven't had the time. Yes, I've caught up on dramas and reading, but I haven't had the energy or the time to really sit down and read rainbowfic or write my own stuff. My personal life has been crazy, to say the least.

My Dad has started his treatments. It's two hours away and the treatments have bad side effects. He started the treatments in the middle of June and has had two treatments (with a week break in between). He now gets a four week break, and he'll have to do some tests to see if he can continue on with the treatments. Meanwhile, my 82 year old grandmother has been growing weaker by the week. On the 4th of July, she was rushed to the ER. (For the third time in as many weeks) It's not 100% confirmed at the moment, but it seems she has congestive heart failure and is being sent to hospital rehab.

So yes, things have been crazy here for the last couple of months. It's trying, because my grandmother lives an hour away, too. So, it's a lot of traveling and long waits in hospital wait rooms/private rooms. I want to get back into the swing of things and if all goes well. . .I'll be doing that within the next couple of weeks. Wish me luck and please do keep my Dad and Grandmother in your thoughts.

I have gotten a job as a receptionist at a busy doctor office. I was with Goodwill and because of my physical disability, they helped me find the job. I have very mixed feelings on the job.

1) I'm wondering how I'll be able to write now that I work 7:40-5:00. When does everyone else write?

2) I'm so damn bored. Like really bored. There are three other receptionists up front and one is out until after New Years. The other two are so busy that they haven't had anytime to train me. I'm more or less learning as I go and just asking questions as needed. I've actually told them I feel bad, because I have nothing to do and just feel bored. They told me after New Years I'll be learning and be busy. Great - two weeks of more sitting, because -

3) They don't really let me do anything. I can check patients in, but when I offer to do it, C, tells me: "I do the patient check ins." Discharging is done by C and I, and I'd love to help, but they haven't trained me in that. And they might not, as they are switching how they discharge in Jan or Feb.

4) Everyone is nice, but I feel lonely and in the way. Nobody speaks to me. I have to start conversations at lunch or whatever, and even then I have to say things two or three times before they respond. Then the convos are very short. I get a clicky feeling from them. I know its been a week, but darn God, they could ask me about myself or something! Only the NP speaks to me, and he's very kind, but then I heard from someone (because its OJT (on the job training) my caseworker has to visit me 2 times a month for three months) that he and the doctors (who also like me) think I'm too serious and I need to loosen up. But, I don't know what to do. No one is telling me and I feel really awkward around these people. I'm inveterated and I can be quiet as I people watch, but I'm different once I know people. But, how can I get to know anyone, if they won't speak to me? Tips?

5)I'm not even sure of my job duties and if I'm really a receptionist. Apparently after the New Year the doctors are starting some new project and they may have hired me to fill in for I as she helps or to do the project. They like that I have a degree, have a minor in English, and am organized. So God knows what I'll even be doing in a month. I'm so confused. Not even the Doctors know what I'm supposed to be.

6) I have no idea how long it will last. OJT lasts three months and I can totally see them letting me go after (they did mention it could be temporary) three months. (After the project)I just have a weird feeling that I'm not there for the long haul. I'm learning what I can, I'm polite, I ask questions and do what I can to help; but, I have a feeling that a lot of them see my shyness and unsureness as being snotty and that my being bored is a bad thing. But, let me be honest: I said I wanted to do more, because I feel badly that they are paying me ten dollars an hour to sit there and literally do nothing for six of the hours that I am there.





But, I want to hear what you guys think. I understand it is the first week and they are very busy for the holidays, but is it weird that no one is letting me do anything (but paperwork that a second grader could do. Today they had me put addresses on letters) or even bothering to train me during lunch/down time? Is it weird that the nurses and other two receps are nice and polite, but also don't really speak to me unless I have a question or unless I something three times, and even then the conversations are very short. Is it weird that aside from the NP, no one has asked me a damn thing about myself at lunch or at the end of the day? Or am I being over anxious as this is my first job and I'm dying to do something and make a good impression?


All I know is that I'm bored and lonely and feel like I don't fit in with all these married mothers/fathers. I don't understand their humor and I have no husband/live in boyfriend/wife/children to speak of. As my mother told me: Married and seriously dating people don't really hang around singles.

Roosevelt, Truman, Carter, Clinton, and Obama (Muslim) communist? He's confusing my poor 79-year-old grandmother with his rants. Mmm. . .what do these men have in common? They're of the Democratic party! And, my father thinks: "Democratics are the Devil. I'm never voting for one again. Barry, oh, I mean Obama is the anti-Christ."


You can hate Obama as a President, I don't care. You can be angry at the Democratic Party, that's cool. Because, I do understand that times are hard everywhere - around the world. I understand that Obama inherited an f'ed up country from Bush, and no matter what he does people will be disappointed. But, to call a bunch of people Communist because they did things you (now) disagree with and because they belong to a party (which you were apart of for years but now) hate. . .is childish and insane.



My father calls everyone he dislikes a "Liberal Communist", and frankly it's getting old - fast. We were talking about his last doctor visit and he starts in with this mess? Please stop. My dad used to be cool. Now he's an overly conservative, preachy, racist, homophobic, Tea-Party member, who thinks all Muslims are evil and believes the President is out to make "white slavery" a reality. I just. . .have no words.



I think I need to go re-watch some happy dramas to calm me down.