Office Matters: A One Act Play
Jan. 1st, 2013 01:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walkwithheroes
Office Matters
CHARACTERS:
Max (office worker; British)
Alice (office worker)
Jude (janitor)
Edna (a personal assistant to one of ‘Them’; looks like Eddie Park, ex-co-worker of Max and Alice)
Maxine (a personal assistant to one of ‘Them’; looks like Max in drag – should be played by same actor)
SCENE: A perfectly normal office of the fifth floor of a New York building. It’s got all the usual things: several desks, some decked out to fit the person that lives there, some of the desks are bare. This makes it seem like maybe, just maybe, some people don’t care. There are two shiny elevators behind the desks, a copy machine off in a corner by the huge windows that overlook the twilight sky. There is a door leading into an office somewhere off to the stage right. Another door on stage left goes into a break room.
Among all of this, one employee sits at her desk. She’s ALICE, age twenty-three. ALICE is dressed in an outfit that causes her to give off the “shy librarian” vibe; she even has glasses on a chain. Her desk is full of picture frames and bright nick-knacks that she’s picked up at parties and amusement parks throughout the years. Nervously, ALICE plays with the chain around her neck. She puts her glasses on, takes them off, and then puts them on again.
To her left, the break room door opens. MAX, age thirty-four comes walking out. His hair is perfect, and his expensive suit costs more than he makes in a month. He speaks with a crisp and posh London accent, giving him the air of someone that is much more educated and important than he really is.
MAX smiles politely at ALICE before taking a sit at his desk – which only has a computer and two boxes – one ‘In’ and one ‘Out’. The desk is on the other side of the office.
MAX:
Do you remember when you first started here?
ALICE:
(distracted; she’s still playing with her chain)
I . . .(looks up suddenly, realizing) don’t.
MAX:
Neither do I.
ALICE:
I think it was Fall.
MAX:
What?
ALICE:
When I started here.
The two are silent for a bit, maybe a minute goes by. ALICE thinks about going back to playing with her chain, but decides against it. MAX goes through some papers that are in his ‘Out’ box on his desk. ALICE starts shutting down her computer.
ALICE:
You are running out of memory.
MAX:
Pardon?
ALICE:
My computer just told me that. (Pause) It isn’t wrong.
MAX:
Well. . .maybe it won’t matter after tonight. (He looks up at the ceiling) They. . .
Alice looks up at the ceiling as well.
ALICE:
They?
MAX:
We were told to stay.
ALICE:
I remember.
MAX:
(More to himself then her)
Do you remember when you first got here?
ALICE:
Today? (Pause) I. . .no, it’s gone.
MAX:
No, you’re not understanding me. I can’t remember when I first got here.
ALICE:
Today? Or before that?
MAX:
Both.
ALICE:
You’re confusing me.
MAX:
You’re not understanding me. I can’t remember when I started here or when I came in today. What’s the first thing you remember doing today?
ALICE:
Waking up; pressing the snooze button.
MAX stands up, piece of paper in hand. He moves over to the copy machine, and puts the paper in the machine. He looks back at ALICE to find she’s watching him, a slightly confused look on her face. She’s really not understanding what he’s saying.
MAX:
Was it today, yesterday, the week before that I attended the Baker meeting? I can’t remember. Everything goes together here. It’s like. . .we were asked to stay. . .
ALICE:
So we stayed.
MAX:
What do you think (he looks up again) They’re doing?
ALICE:
They’ll tell us.
MAX:
What They tell us might not be true.
ALICE:
I’m feeling confused again.
MAX:
(Exasperated)
Of course you are.
ALICE gets up from her desk and joins MAX at the copy machine.
ALICE:
We should practice.
MAX:
What we’ll say, you mean? You mean I be Them and you be you? No, you be Them and I be me and we decide what to say to Them?
ALICE:
Uh. . . I think that’s what I meant.
MAX:
Start.
ALICE:
(Bad British accent)
I’m Maxwell Cook. I enjoy skiing and tennis. I can parallel park, which is rare. Trish and Albert from Accounting say I’m a great shag.
MAX:
What?
ALICE:
I’m not meant to be you?
MAX:
I’m me. You’re one of Them.
ALICE:
Which one?
MAX:
Doesn’t matter. I’m me and you’re whoever.
ALICE:
(Bad Jersey accent)
Mr. Cook.
MAX:
Mr. . . Which one are you?
ALICE:
I’m Mr. Carter. Don’t be so forward, boy!
MAX:
You’re Alice.
ALICE:
I thought. . .now I’m confused.
MAX:
Just start again. You’re Mr. Carter and I’m me.
ALICE:
No, wait.
ALICE goes off to the desks and brings over to chairs. At first she sits in the smaller one and MAX sits in the lager one. They stare at each other for a moment, before ALICE stands, moves to MAX and forces him out of the chair. She sits in the larger chair, puts on her glasses, and stares at MAX over them.
MAX:
(suddenly remember his copies)
Wait.
The copy machine makes some noises; it’s old and someone really should press the stop button. MAX starts to stand, then stops himself.
ALICE:
No time. (Jersey accent) You’re in Research.
MAX:
For six years.
ALICE:
You. ..
MAX:
Research marketing trends for men and women ages eighteen to thirty-five.
ALICE:
You look at surveys.
MAX:
I research marking trends.
ALICE:
With surveys.
MAX:
With surveys.
ALICE:
Weren’t you due for a promotion?
MAX:
Eddie Park got it.
ALICE:
But, he’s only been here two years.
MAX:
He slipped in. Played nice and flattered the unflattering.
ALICE:
You were due that promotion.
MAX:
He slipped in.
ALICE:
Under the radar.
MAX:
Slipped in.
ALICE:
You’d make a bad ruler.
MAX:
Pardon?
ALICE:
You don’t handle stress well.
MAX:
Excuse me?
ALICE:
Didn’t you punch a hole in the wall?
MAX:
That. ..
ALICE:
No one would follow you.
Behind them and the desks, one of the elevator doors dings and opens. ALICE and MAX watch JUDE the Janitor walk out, pushing a trashcan and holding a mop. He’s dressed in gray overalls with ‘JUDE’ sewn onto the left pocket. He’s in his mid-twenties with a lip ring that is connected to a chain; it goes up to a nose ring that’s connected to a chain, that goes up to a ring that’s in his left earlobe. JUDE’s hair is messy and unkempt.
JUDE smiles politely and nods toward ALICE and MAX. MAX pretends not to see him; ALICE waves cheerfully. JUDE gives ALICE a warm smile before heading into the break room.
MAX:
You two. . .
ALICE:
Want to do me now?
MAX:
Pardon?
ALICE:
I be me and you be one of Them.
MAX:
Yes.
They switch seats. ALICE takes off her glasses, MAX fixes his suit to try and make him look more high class. He wants to look as mature as possible.
MAX:
(American Accent)
Ms. Hansberry.
ALICE:
Mr . . .Sir?
MAX:
You’ve been with us for three years?
ALICE:
Yes.
MAX:
What is it you do here?
ALICE:
I find mistakes in Excel sheets and programs.
MAX:
That’s all?
ALICE:
I’m also the only one that can work the fax machine.
MAX:
That’s. . .are you responsible?
ALICE:
It depends what you mean by “responsible”.
MAX:
Don’t you have two children?
ALICE:
That hardly matters.
MAX:
Both born while you were in high school. . .
ALICE:
The condoms broke.
MAX:
Twice?
ALICE:
I should have switched brands.
MAX:
Means you’re not responsible.
ALICE:
It means I’m dumb.
MAX:
It’s the same thing.
ALICE:
No one’s responsible when sex is on the line.
MAX:
The condoms broke?
ALICE:
Twice.
MAX:
That’s a bad piece of luck.
ALICE:
Twice over.
MAX:
Indeed. Why should we keep an unlucky person on?
ALICE:
I’m the only one that can work the fax machine.
MAX:
That’s hardly a reason.
ALICE:
Maybe.
The door to the break room opens and JUDE comes out, holding a yogurt.
JUDE:
Excuse, but whose yogurt?
MAX:
Pardon?
ALICE:
He’s asking about the yogurt.
MAX:
Not mine.
ALICE:
Could be someone’s whose not here.
JUDE:
Everyone else, then?
ALICE:
Maybe.
MAX:
Indeed.
JUDE:
I’m going to toss it.
ALICE:
No! (She jumps out from her chair) Just because it looks as if it isn’t important, doesn’t mean it’s not. It could be very important.
JUDE:
It’s yogurt.
ALICE:
Still . . . it could be important to someone.
MAX stands up from his chair. He goes over to the copy machine and turns it off; awkwardly he picks up all the copies that have been made.
MAX:
(to Jude)
Please ignore her. She once spent three hours crying in the break room because someone killed a mouse she’d secretly been taking care of.
JUDE looks down at the yogurt, before simply putting it down on the desk nearest to him.
JUDE:
If you don’t mind me asking, what are you two doing?
MAX:
We were told to stay.
ALICE:
So, we stayed.
JUDE nods, he seems to understand completely; the truth is he probably understands more than MAX and ALICE combined about what’s going on. JUDE walks deeper into the office, until he’s joined MAX and ALICE at their chairs.
JUDE:
Do you want my advice?
ALICE looks interested, but she is stopped by MAX who speaks first.
MAX:
I do not take advice from janitors, thank you.
JUDE:
Oh, for a man who’s a liar you’re very snotty.
ALICE:
Liar?
JUDE:
Your friend, Max.
MAX:
(to Jude) I’m not her friend. (to Alice) I’m not a liar.
ALICE:
I’m confused again.
JUDE:
Are you really confused or do you just think you are?
ALICE:
Now I know you’re trying to confuse me.
JUDE:
Exactly.
MAX:
Don’t listen; he’s only trying to turn us against each other.
JUDE:
(amused)
Turn you against each other?
MAX:
His kind always gets a kick out of that sort of thing.
ALICE:
I’m beginning to wonder –
JUDE:
(Interrupting)
Girls like you always wonder.
MAX:
(to Alice) Ignore him. We should get back practicing. (to Jude) Go clean something.
ALICE:
We should let him help; he could pretend to be one of Them. In case They question us together.
JUDE:
I am very good at pretending.
JUDE takes a chair near him and rolls it toward ALICE and MAX. ALICE stops the chair, and puts it next to the other two chairs. She sits down in the smallest one. Reluctantly, MAX sits in the middle sized chair, while JUDE takes the largest one for himself. JUDE glances over at MAX and ALICE for a long moment. Wordlessly, he moves himself until he is sitting between them; almost like he’s jealous or doesn’t want them near each other. MAX is annoyed by this and fights it momentarily. ALICE is blissfully unaware. They are all half-facing the audience and half-facing one another.
JUDE:
(southern drawl)
Y’all been waitin’ for us. Sorry ‘bout that.
MAX:
Not at all.
ALICE:
We were told to stay.
MAX:
So we stayed.
JUDE:
Yes. John Maxwell Cook, do you mind if I use your full name? John, you graduated twentieth in your class at Harvard?
MAX:
Twentieth.
JUDE:
From Harvard?
MAX:
Harvard.
JUDE:
Not the University of Massachusetts?
MAX:
Harvard.
JUDE looks at an imagery paper that is in his hands.
JUDE:
Not one hundred and twentieth?
MAX:
Twentieth.
JUDE:
Twentieth and Harvard?
MAX:
Yes!
JUDE:
Doubtful.
Max:
I –
JUDE:
Alice?
ALICE looks nervously at JUDE then to MAX and back again.
ALICE:
Yes, Sir?
JUDE:
There is a basket with five oranges.
ALICE:
Oranges?
MAX:
This isn’t fair! I –
JUDE:
Five children come to the basket and each takes an orange. There is one orange left in the basket. How is that possible?
MAX:
It isn’t. Stop this nonsense!
JUDE:
It’s possible.
ALICE:
All impossible things are possible in one form or another.
JUDE:
Exactly.
MAX:
What’s the answer?
ALICE:
The last child carried the orange home in the basket.
MAX/JUDE:
What?/Exactly.
ALICE smiles to herself; rather satisfied that she’s finally one-upped MAX in the thinking department. JUDE silently stands up from his chair, all the while MAX glares at the two of them.
JUDE:
I’m going.
JUDE goes back to the yogurt, picks it up, and disappears back into the break room. ALICE and MAX are quiet for about a half a minute; MAX simply glaring at ALICE, who cannot help but keep smiling. After some time, MAX pushes the chair JUDE had been using away, using his foot. MAX stands, stretches, and glances toward the window.
MAX:
Should be soon now.
ALICE:
Maybe.
MAX:
How did he know . . .?
ALICE:
He read it?
MAX:
In a file?
ALICE:
Maybe.
MAX:
Do you. . .with him. ..he didn’t do anything to you.
ALICE:
He made me less confused.
MAX:
You’re very odd.
ALICE:
I’ve been told that.
Behind them, one of the elevator doors buzz and it opens. From the elevator steps EDNA, the Personal Assistant of one of Them. She is dressed in a very expensive looking dress and heels – she also looks strangely like EDDIE PARK in drag.
EDNA:
Mr. Cook? I’m Edna, Mr. Carter’s Personal Assistant. They’ll see you now.
MAX and ALICE exchange a look. Not really one of fear, more the one of two people who have just witnessed something really freaky. They’ve never seen EDNA until now, and the fact that she looks like EDDIE PARK in drag is unnerving to say this least.
MAX:
Yes. Thank you, P-Edna.
ALICE:
(Nervous whisper)
That’s Ed –
MAX:
Shush. I’ll . . .
MAX offers ALICE a bit of a smile, before going to the elevator and getting in with EDNA. Before the doors close, MAX waves at ALICE, who returns it nervously.
ALONE, ALICE stands up from her chair, and begins putting everything back the way it should be. She puts the chairs at their rightful desks, and puts MAX’S papers back at his desk. Not being able to help herself, she glances toward the break room, clearly wondering if JUDE will come out once more.
JUST as she’s about to go to the break room, JUDE comes out.
JUDE:
John’s gone?
ALICE:
He went with Eddie, er Edna.
JUDE:
Who?
ALICE:
No one. (pause) Did you throw the yogurt out?
JUDE:
I put it back.
ALICE:
That’s wonderful.
JUDE:
Might get thrown out tomorrow.
ALICE:
Maybe.
JUDE:
Maybe.
The two exchange a smile.
ALICE:
Do you know Eddie Park? That lady. . .It’s just. . .no one’s seen Eddie since. . .and that lady who brought Mr. Cook up to Them. . .
JUDE:
About Them –
JUDE is interrupted by the sound of an elevator dinging. He and ALICE turn to see one of the elevator doors open. MAXINE, another Personal Assistant of a Them walks out. Like EDNA, she is dressed in expensive looking clothes. Unlike EDNA she doesn’t look like EDDIE in drag; rather, she looks like MAX in drag.
MAXINE:
Alice?
ALICE:
(uneasy)
Yes?
MAXINE:
They’ll see you now.
ALICE:
(to Jude; sadly)
Good-bye.
JUDE:
I’ll see you.
Alice goes to the elevator and gives MAXINE an uneasy smile.
ALICE:
Is Mr. Cook alright?
MAXINE:
Who?
Before Alice can say anything, MAXINE ushers her into the elevator. As the doors close, ALICE smiles and waves to JUDE; who returns the gestures. The doors close, and JUDE – looking rather pleased – goes back to the break room. He comes out a moment later, with all his things and begins cleaning the office – starting with MAX’S desk.
Blackout.
